Depressing. Sorry.

I jinxed it.

& I hate this.

& I feel like Bella Swan.

& I hate Bella Swan.

& I hate that no one can fix this.

& I hate that it"s all my fault.

& I hate that I don't know why.

& I hate that no one understands.

& I hate how negative I am at this time.

& I hate that I am okay with being negative for a while.

& I hate when I wake up my eyes are still red & swollen.

& I hate that I have to lie to everyone and tell them I'm okay.

& I hate that there is no one that I can not be okay with.

& I hate when I tell my best friend & she texts me back the next day.

& I hate that if anyone reads this they will know how selfish I am.

& I hate that I'm okay with that.

& I hate that I have to pretend to be okay with it tomorrow.

& Pretend like I'm not praying every night for it to be just a terrible dream.

& I hate that every time my phone vibrates I know it's not who I want it to be.

& I hate that I don't know why I can't just let myself be happy.

& I hate how I make life so hard.

& I hate how everything reminds me. Because we did everything together.

& I hate how I just lost the only person who ever truly cared about me.

& I hate that I just lost my very best friend.

& I hate that no one can make it go away.

& I hate how I am always by myself now.

& I hate that it is all my fault.

& I hate that it took me losing what mattered most to realize what mattered most.

I am sorry I'm not stronger, that I'm not pretending to be fine right now.

& I'm sorry that you read this whole stupid thing.

& I'm sorry that it is all my fault.

& I'm sorry that I don't know one thing.

& I'm sorry that I am sad.

& I'm sorry that no one understands.

& I'm sorry that I let this happen.

& I'm sorry that I will be sad for a long time to come.

& I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough.

& I'm sorry that I did this.

I'm sorry it's my fault.

I'm sorry.