Back From the Dead..Mostly.

Sometimes a girl just has to be sad. I would say sorry that others had to hear about my sadness & problems, but guess what

It's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to.

But I do need to say that I am back. In a different way then before, but back, to any normalcy I could expect to be at. I am back at least from being a zombie for the past week.

You see, I have this wonderful religion that makes my life worth all the "walking dead" times.
& all the "why is this happening" times.
& all the "I just want to crawl in my bed and give up on the future" times.
It gets me through these times when nothing made sense & nothing can ever be the same.
The times when you try to do that right thing but it turns into a horrible mess.
In the times everything you thought you were working so hard towards for the last 7 months ended up not being what is right.

After all these times, I realized that though I may think that what I want is most important, I have someone who knows better and wants the very best life for me. Not just an okay life, & not just a "well she'll be happy enough" life, The Absolute VERY BEST life I could possibly imagine. (even if right now I cant see it). & I love Him for wanting to give me that. I don't see how I could ever deserve a gift such as that, which makes me love Him even more for wanting me to have it anyways.

I realized today because of that, all this pain, all the sadness, all the heartbreak, all the beautiful memories that tear me apart, & the reason for all of this is that, it had to happen, for me to have what is best for my life in the best time for me. This is what needs to happen to make the opportunity for me to have the best life, possible in the future. & throughout everything that is going on right now, I can work through the pain and be thankful for this. Because of this, one day I will receive THE greatest life He could ever possibly give me. In the right manner & at the best time for me. His time, not mine.

I know that even though I am sad, and He is sad that I am sad, He is not going to make our sadness right now effect what He knows will be best for me in the end. And I love Him for being strong enough for the both of us. So if He can push through His sadness of seeing His daughter be like this, the way that I am right now & the way I will be probably for a long time, I will push through my sadness with Him. & for Him. & He will be my rock, & my shoulder to cry on, & my hope for the future. And we will make it out of this together...eventually.

Paul was one of the best things that I have ever had in my life, he is the greatest gift that Heavenly Father could have blessed me with. I learned so much from him and we both tried as hard as we could, but for reasons I don't even understand yet, it isn't right for us right now. I never want anyone to think that we fought or didn't love each other. I guess there are just other things in store for us, which is hard to swallow, but I have faith that Heavenly Father has our best interest at heart. I am so thankful for the time I got to have him in my life and I hope for the best in the future for both of us. And if we ever find our way back together in the future maybe it will be right then.

With this, I am going to try really hard not to be a Zombie anymore. I know I will still be very sad for a long time &I will have up & down times, but there are a lot of people in this world who are worse off then me, & I will try to focus on that & help them. I'm not okay with being negative & selfish anymore which is an act of Him honestly. I'm so thankful for the people on this Earth who helped me work through all of this. Home teachers are amazing. Friends & roommates have helped me more then they can understand. Sisters are lifesavers. I really want to say thank you to everyone who was & continues to be there for me. Thank you for being His hands of comfort in my life. You will be blessed, because you helped His daughter so much at a time when she needed Him & He couldn't hold her ( physically). Thanks Friends. Love all of you from the bottom of my aching heart & I promise not to be so serious anymore in my little blog :)
Future, my arms are opened to you.