After multiple break ups and reunions, my ever contented, sentimental heart couldn’t tame his thirst for adrenaline and he moved on. I hated myself for not being able to keep up, it was my first real breakup, and it was a doozy. You remember your first breakup don’t you? The breakup that made you realize all the things you shouldn’t do when you’re heartbroken, only after doing all of them. I listened to sad songs, stalked his facebook profile multiple times a day, looked through all our pictures on my computer, and romanticized all the times he had been inconsiderate. Yeah this breakup was bad, bad like your roommate finds you on the bathroom floor choking on a salty mixture of tears and snot you have been laying in for the last 3 hours kind of breakup.
Looking back now, obviously he wasn’t for me; however he was kind, and the first person to teach me that I was funny, and capable of being in a partnership. We’re still friends to this day and I’m grateful he is happy. It’s amusing that we shared our own universe together for a time and when I look back, that seems like so long ago now, but it was ours and it was unforgettable.
Sometimes I think about him still, and what we would be like if the universe we shared was still going on today. As nostalgic as this tryst is to envision, woefully I arrived at the insight that our universe would have inevitably burnt out. The sun that was the excitement of us together would have scorched and jostled the natural orbit off balance. I think our world would have turned into a compilation of stunning memories tragically wandering in the dark, pitifully trying to find a small light to return to visibility by its once most adored creators. Every smidgen of the matter that I am is appreciative that the universe we once shared will never be burnt out and darkened with the stale death that is monotony. Our planets will be endlessly static in their beauty, in an everlasting state of excitement, youth and exhilaration. Never would I desire to know the light of the cosmos we shared to have been ruined by the cast shadow of the desperation of alleviating dullness.
This being said, I think this was how I knew it wasn’t real. The thought of reality, endurance, and depth would have ruined our story; and these are some of my most beloved qualities of substantial and enjoyable monogamy. He was never meant to be my forever, because it wouldn’t have been him if he had settled down with me in the way I wanted to be settled with someone.
I am and forever will be thankful to have shared our small universe together for that time, but how gratifying it is to have a distinctive and perpetually fulfilling universe to share with love at second sight. Because, his universe is where I fit forever. In the excitement of adventure as well as in the hazy quiet moments laying on a blanket together on a golden afternoon. Our shared universe is established in his gaze, where I find my every vulnerability safe in the flecks of color in his eyes.
That universe is a universe I trust. That universe is tangible. The only place where every fragment of me knows it will continue in orbit forever.