Friday, January 9, 2015
It's amazing to me that God knows what I truly want more than I actually do. He knows what will make me happiest, and he knows my heart better than I actually know my own.
I feel like I am constantly fighting him for what I think I want and then he pushes me back and tells me no, and in turn I get confused and rebellious. Then all the sudden it turns out he gives me more. He fills my rebellious heart with more love, more blessings, more understanding, more happiness.
and I'm all,"Wait, what? oh.. umm.. thanks.. "
What kind of person would put up with someone fighting them everyday and being annoying and confused and forgetful only to continually give them greater gifts? I'm tying to understand a character where this make sense, all I can say is that it is not of this world.
I turned 26 yesterday and as hard as my last year has been, (see my last post, I'm not even joking), since I have been making a bigger effort to connect to the Lord and to listen to my spirit, I have never had a deeper appreciation for God, and my relationship to Him, and the almost instant relief of peace and happiness living the gospel brings to my spirit.
My thoughts were filled with questions of why last year was necessary, but now I think the understanding it brought has actually brought me more joy than before. The gospel really does have a way of turing pain into knowledge and then joy.
I feel Him teaching me again and honestly I feel my entire personality change.
I am more positive, less pessimistic.
I am more compassionate of myself and others. (it's still a work in progress)
I am more patient and understanding when things bug me.
My self worth and confidence has slowly returned, which is the craziest thing because for months I used to wake up feeling completely worthless, without knowing how to change it.
and let me tell you this is not just me changing. Weird how things started to turn around as soon as i made an effort to be connect with God huh??? But it definitely isn't me on my own, bc I was my own and only constant companion all last year and I know me by myself, I was blindly miserable for months with no way out in sight.
26 is my year, it is tangibly obvious to me. I feel a complete 180 since I have renewed my dedication to keeping close to the Lord. I feel unstoppable. I feel the Lord cheering me on. I feel Him showing me my worth by different experiences in the passed couple of weeks just like I asked Him to in my prayers. I feel Him bringing back out the best in me. If you knew how hopeless things looked to me just a couple of weeks ago, you would understand that to me this is a beautiful miracle.