summer 2015

lots of people are asking me what is going on with my life.

to be perfectly honest i have no idea. and trying to formulate a respectable answer instead of saying

I'm single, unemployed, and homeless is proving to be rather tiring.

so for the record,

I'm single

unemployed

& homeless.

I don't know what is to come.

i . dont. freaking . know. since, about graduation in May.

but yesterday I finally got a job!

most of the summer i have just been doing my best to get out of my onesie panda jamas before 2  everyday and wanted to yell, at least I'm out of my panda onesie stop asking me questions!! at anyone who was lovingly interested in my life. but now its finally happened, i got a job!!

& everyone silently judging me about the panda onesie comment, I see you.

To celebrate my finalization of plans after a long 4 months of hustling, I made a video of my summer and job search. I have never been pulled in more directions than this summer. I've traveled more this summer than ever, to Las Vegas, Denver, New York, Seattle, Moab, and Philly! But when it comes down to it I prayed that I would end up wherever is best for me and my life's progression. And at times of discouragement and rejection I have been a little pissed about the journey there.. and asked God why he would lead me down so many different roads only to end up at a dead end and get discouraged all over again... but nonetheless.. as much as I was annoyed at the time i felt i was wasting, as much as the rejection of interview after interview didn't work out, I trust God has his hand in my life. I may not like the outcome or have it in my plans to end up where I am ending up, but i trust that i am doing everything I can, and that is reassuring that whatever happens or doesn't happen,  it will not be because I didn't hustle.

So, i'd like to announce that i will be taking a job as a graphic designer at Blender bottle in Lehi. I'm super stoked about the job, the opportunity, and the experience I will gain! I'm happy to have gotten a job for sure, but did I ever think I would end up living in provo??? Nope. wasn't even on my plan B. (or C or D or E. Ever.)  I didn't even want to stay in Utah, but I am grateful for the job itself, the friends I will be surrounded by and the move out of LOGAN! Finally! I am excited to have my own space again and not be crashing on peoples couches, floors, my hammock... I am so excited for the next step in life and to finally get to move forward and progress! So cheers to the surprising series of twists and turns and long flights and awkward interviews and rude taxi drivers that have led me to end up staying in the one place I never thought I would be, back here in good ole Utah. Provo really can't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be right??

(I'm going to try and post more videos of my daily life, a vlog of sorts I guess, bc I don't see my family enough,  we're scattered all over the united states, and I want them to know what I am up to more than the monthly phone call)

I have gotten so many people asking me what I am going to do after I graduate. I know it is out of curiosity, and I enjoy the concern for my life that this question shows. But I know if I answered honestly the response is not that impressive. 

"I am taking time off to do nothing. I am taking the summer to think and meditate and find myself. I am taking time for myself that I have never been allowed to have. I am taking the summer to repair my emotional health. I plan to be a waitress and to plant a garden. I plan to rock climb and to do yoga. I plan to hike and bike and eat vegetables and lay in the sun and read. I am not looking for a job. I am not doing an internship. I have no relationship goals, I am not so much interested in dating or men. I have no plans to further myself career wise or pretty much in any other way than mentally. I plan to ponder, to write, and to detox. My only goals for the summer are to recover and learn about myself and what I need to understand about life to be healthy and happy." 

I guess the point of this post is to help me understand that I need to be compassionate to myself and to who I am and where I am at presently, no matter how inconsequential I may think my life is to the world around me. I'm trying to find the balance of giving myself credit and also pushing myself to be better.

I watched this today and it helped me feel more compassionate about myself. It is a great reminder of taking care of ourselves and battling for our emotional health and self worth. 

It's amazing to me that God knows what I truly want more than I actually do. He knows what will make me happiest, and he knows my heart better than I actually know my own.

I feel like I am constantly fighting him for what I think I want and then he pushes me back and tells me no, and in turn I get confused and rebellious. Then all the sudden it turns out he gives me more. He fills my rebellious heart with more love, more blessings, more understanding, more happiness.

and I'm all,"Wait, what? oh.. umm.. thanks.. "

What kind of person would put up with someone fighting them everyday and being annoying and confused and forgetful only to continually give them greater gifts? I'm tying to understand a character where this make sense, all I can say is that it is not of this world.

I turned 26 yesterday and as hard as my last year has been, (see my last post, I'm not even joking), since I have been making a bigger effort to connect to the Lord and to listen to my spirit, I have never had a deeper appreciation for God, and my relationship to Him, and the almost instant relief of peace and happiness living the gospel brings to my spirit.

My thoughts were filled with questions of why last year was necessary, but now I think the understanding it brought has actually brought me more joy than before. The gospel really does have a way of turing pain into knowledge and then joy.

I feel Him teaching me again and honestly I feel my entire personality change.

I am more positive, less pessimistic.
I am more compassionate of myself and others. (it's still a work in progress)
I am more patient and understanding when things bug me.
My self worth and confidence has slowly returned, which is the craziest thing because for months I used to wake up feeling completely worthless, without knowing how to change it.

and let me tell you this is not just me changing. Weird how things started to turn around as soon as i made an effort to be connect with God huh???  But it definitely isn't me on my own, bc I was my own and only constant companion all last year and I know me by myself, I was blindly miserable for months with no way out in sight.

26 is my year, it is tangibly obvious to me. I feel a complete 180 since I have renewed my dedication to keeping close to the Lord. I feel unstoppable. I feel the Lord cheering me on. I feel Him showing me my worth by different experiences in the passed couple of weeks just like I asked Him to in my prayers. I feel Him bringing back out the best in me. If you knew how hopeless things looked to me just a couple of weeks ago, you would understand that to me this is a beautiful miracle.

Cultivating meaning from the hardest year of my life:  2014 

January + February  

-smooth sailing (thanks for the 2 months 2014, you're a peach) 

March 

-a hefty breakup

-severe knee injury & crutches (never swore so much in my life)

Cue -24 hr pain.

weight gain.

anger.

loss of ability to stand/walk on my own.

loss of desire for social life(lots of standing).

depression.

April 

-Continuing immobility & pretty much bed ridden icing/warming/elevating, physical therapy. 

social interaction limited to the struggle of trying to get to class in icy winter on crutches. 

-Inability to Work (requires strenuous lifting and walking) money becomes dominant stressor.  

Cue - social reclusiveness.

shame of not being able to provide financially for myself at 25.

loss of any kind of bodily movement/exercise in turn elevating levels of depression.

financial stress of expensive medical bills when unable to work. 

May

-internship/travel plans ruled out due to medical expenses and inability to walk. 

-move to salt lake, surrounded by friends who care (+). 

-land internship, boost of confidence. (+)

-plant garden aka dirt therapy. (+) 

-adjusting to summer temps with garments. Settle for the soccer mom look, decrease in confidence, decrease in spirituality. 

Cue - slight religious bitterness

slow loss of spirit. 

knee healing though, things are looking up for most part. 

June

-tinder is never a good idea.

-gym membership bc, knee injury and eating feelings all spring gave me a swimsuit phobia. 

-internship was from home, loss of social interaction, boredom.

Cue - hefty body issues/depression.

mad men marathons.

dating shame bc trying to date assholes off tinder/inadequacy feelings.

more loss of confidence.

broadening horizons of independent movies on netflix. 

July 

-Boston. garment bitterness spike bc heat/humidity, crisis of faith in full swing.  

-Wearing garments seems hypocritical since I hate them so much and have forgotten why I even do them anyways. Prayers stop, communication stops, distance grows. 

-Continually struggling to recover financially bc revoked financial aid (super seniors don't get financial aid cue shame) 

Cue - Financial stress.

complete loss of spirit.

identity shaken.

eternal perspective cloudy.

sense of value of self low.

Depression at all time high. 

August

- Dad admitted into hospital. Dr's tell me he's slowly dying. 

- Fly to Louisianna to say goodbye to dad. Between 3 daily hospital visits try to figure out tuition payment options, along with university death of a parent policy on absences. Drop all classes but one due to absences and limited funds.  

- Live out of hotel, eat greasy food, cry, pray, regret.

- Crisis of faith causes shame of praying for help w/ father's illness. drowning. 

- All Dr's advise us to let father go, except one. Family is disagreeing, sad, & angry. 

- Father's life/death is on me & sisters shoulders. We choose to give him more time with little to no signs of hope. family is torn, cue more shame/prolonged anxiety of the unknown. 

- Job & Internship ends early due to absences/being distracted/depressed. Cue more shame. 

- Financial burdens to family from living in a hotel and flights and tuition at an all time high.

- Only light is the circle of friends & family praying and sending love. (+)

Cue - Zombie. 

numb. 

tears. 

anxiety. 

shame. 

regret. 

depression. 

September 

- Return home & back to school. Each day away is a contradiction of his progress the day before. each minute worrying that he has suddenly died. Each day is an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. 

- Behind in class. No way to catch up. Professor looks at me like a lazy POS. Graduation slipping through my fingers. anxiety/shame.

- Depression causes lack of interest in even most beloved activities. all I want is to be distracted by Netflix by myself in my bed.

- Putting effort into anything proves utterly exhausting. Tired/sad becomes the new normal. 

- Feel shame for not being strong enough to handle this better.

Cue - Smothering every thought/emotion to get through the day. 

October 

- Dad makes medically unexplainable turn around. Dr's say he will still be immobile, on oxygen rest of life. Feel shame of maybe making the wrong choice for him to have a good quality of life. 

- Smothering my every emotion proves an unhealthy coping mechanism, but at least I'm not feeling anymore. 

- Crisis of faith continues. Confused about long held ideas and sense of security. Identity, sense of self worth shaken. Everything I once wholeheartedly believed in doesn't really make sense anymore. 

Cue - isolation/loneliness. 

fear. 

mistakes one makes when they are trying to find themselves/something to make them feel again.
shame for making said dumb mistakes. 

smother of said shame.

confusion of morality, truth, and self worth on the most basic internal level. 

November 

- Dad is coherent, sort of. While on heavy medication says/does all the right things to awaken & arise my deepest insecurities with him. Shame is at all time high but he is slowly recuperating nonetheless.

- Smothering has taken over any & all emotion besides shame. Trying to remember how to feel happy/normal. 

Cue - Shame.

smothering.

reclusiveness.

zombie-like emotions. 

December

- Dad leaves hospital with no supplemental oxygen required. Doesn't remember anything said or done from the last 4 months. Family rejoices, but for reasons unknown I still feel depressed. 

-Feel shame for giving his words and actions while on medication so much power over me when he doesn't even remember saying/doing them. 

- Reach back out the Lord from the first time in months by simply reading a talk. Remember my relationship with the Lord. Remember the times he has rescued me before. Remember the Love he has shown me before. Remembered our sacred bond. Remember that He is there. Remember who He is to me. 

- Start to pray slowly. feel dumb. meet with bishop, tells me to continue to make effort. Prayers get easier & more comfortable each time. 

- Meet with therapist. Smothering is no longer an option. Cry hard. Feel all the smothered emotions I have forced down for months. Realizing & allowing feeling of how sad I actually am is the hardest part of trying to turn it around again. 

- Become mindful of shame. Had no idea of how much I hurt myself daily until now. My depression finally has a name and a face. Although I see it now, perfectionism might be the end of me. 

- Still sad, still struggling, but mindful and seeing slow progression of even just the recognition of what needs to be done to work through it someday. 

So, this was my year in all of it's disappointing and seemingly pessimistic truth. This was my shitty, terrible year of trials and depression and sadness and zombie living.  

Of all these trials and things I've gone through this year the worst thing of all is the realization that I never once really stopped and asked the Lord to support me. I didn't realize I could confide in Him, I didn't think He could/would really help me.  Maybe if I would have simply got on my knees and asked for his support and comfort these things might have been even the littlest amount less crippling to me. Maybe I would have learned more things from them, and grown to appreciate them instead of them putting me into the most severe case of depression I have ever experienced. Maybe if I would have asked I would have found additional strength through Him and not just been beaten down over and over by them until I had to reject all desire to feel any emotion entirely. Maybe I wouldn't have such a problem with my self worth and shame now, if I would have reached out and asked for love and support when I needed it, instead of trying to do it all on my own and failing. 

Only until the end of twelve months of hell, literally on New Years Eve, did I realize that I tried to go this entire year on my own. I ended up so disconnected and in sadness and confusion that I couldn't think to reach out or hear the one person who was calling out to me, to help take all this grinding weight off my shoulders. I literally forgot His love for me, I forgot who He is, and forgot our bond until I read that talk and it all came back to me. It was terrifying to me that I utterly forgot his character and our sacred bond that we have shared in the past.

It's New Years Day today, and woke up feeling like death, like I have been completely and repeatedly  flattened with trying to carry a years worth of weight on my own. And all I want to do is cry and tell him I'm so tired and sad and have him hold me until I stop feeling like death. And that's exactly what I am going to do.

Because I realized after a year of being beaten down, and on the first day of 2015, that I literally cannot do this anymore without Him. 

That being said I'm hopeful that this year will be different. This year I will ask him to help take my burdens, I will try to turn to him before anyone or anything else, and I will try to ask him to pick me up off the ground when I have no strength left. I will try to ask him to help me show compassion to myself with all my shortcomings and show myself love by the way He shows me love & by his example. It took me an entire year to learn but I want to try and return to him every night, so that I can remember Him, and never again drift far enough away and forget who my literal Savior is. 

This is an answer to one of my biggest question this year, about the importance of doing the "Sunday school answers". Honestly I didn't really do them a lot because I thought they were redundant and stupid things mormons over say and just were there to control me and make me feel guilt when I fell short. I now understand that the Sunday school answers of reading scriptures, praying, going to church and temple, are there to bring light and happiness into your life and keep you connected to God. I've heard that a million times before but it has never meant anything to me until I genuinely  lost myself and Him. I don't know how he found me, but his 99th lost sheep has been returned to her Shepards arms somehow. 2015 is my resolution to stay closer to Him, and remember Him in trials and in happiness, so I will not have to fearfully navigate alone in this life anymore. 

2015:

January  

- starting over. broken down, beaten to a bloody pulp, sufficiently broken hearted and contrite spirited, but hopeful for the first time in nearly 365 days. 

Cue: hard work, progression, regaining my best friend.  

Excerpt from some exploratory creative writing: enjoy. 

After multiple break ups and reunions, my ever contented, sentimental heart couldn’t tame his thirst for adrenaline and he moved on. I hated myself for not being able to keep up, it was my first real breakup, and it was a doozy. You remember your first breakup don’t you?  The breakup that made you realize all the things you shouldn’t do when you’re heartbroken, only after doing all of them. I listened to sad songs, stalked his facebook profile multiple times a day, looked through all our pictures on my computer, and romanticized all the times he had been inconsiderate. Yeah this breakup was bad, bad like your roommate finds you on the bathroom floor choking on a salty mixture of tears and snot you have been laying in for the last 3 hours kind of breakup.

Looking back now, obviously he wasn’t for me; however he was kind, and the first person to teach me that I was funny, and capable of being in a partnership. We’re still friends to this day and I’m grateful he is happy. It’s amusing that we shared our own universe together for a time and when I look back, that seems like so long ago now, but it was ours and it was unforgettable. 

Sometimes I think about him still, and what we would be like if the universe we shared was still going on today. As nostalgic as this tryst is to envision, woefully I arrived at the insight that our universe would have inevitably burnt out. The sun that was the excitement of us together would have scorched and jostled the natural orbit off balance. I think our world would have turned into a compilation of stunning memories tragically wandering in the dark, pitifully trying to find a small light to return to visibility by its once most adored creators. Every smidgen of the matter that I am is appreciative that the universe we once shared will never be burnt out and darkened with the stale death that is monotony. Our planets will be endlessly static in their beauty, in an everlasting state of excitement, youth and exhilaration. Never would I desire to know the light of the cosmos we shared to have been ruined by the cast shadow of the desperation of alleviating dullness.

This being said, I think this was how I knew it wasn’t real. The thought of reality, endurance, and depth would have ruined our story; and these are some of my most beloved qualities of substantial and enjoyable monogamy. He was never meant to be my forever, because it wouldn’t have been him if he had settled down with me in the way I wanted to be settled with someone.

I am and forever will be thankful to have shared our small universe together for that time, but how gratifying it is to have a distinctive and perpetually fulfilling universe to share with love at second sight. Because, his universe is where I fit forever.  In the excitement of adventure as well as in the hazy quiet moments laying on a blanket together on a golden afternoon. Our shared universe is established in his gaze, where I find my every vulnerability safe in the flecks of color in his eyes.

That universe is a universe I trust. That universe is tangible. The only place where every fragment of me knows it will continue in orbit forever.

Excerpt from some exploratory creative writing: enjoy. 

The following is documentation of love at second sight. Maybe it was one sided, maybe it wasn't, that isn't what's important about it. It happened,  to a realist like myself even, which in and of itself deserves documentation.

It was fall and I saw him. Not for the first time, but for the second or maybe third. 

The first time was passing each other on the staircase of my house while he was returning to his then girlfriend’s place and I was exiting down to my then boyfriends place. I remember that glance even though it was years ago and only for a few seconds. My thoughts were “Dang, where does she even find these guys?!”  Then gave no more thought to it.  

But you know those seemingly inconsequential moments in time that your mind will absolutely never let you forget? Days that seem like any other day but also seem to have a little magic to them after reflection of the things that occurred. They are those days you wake up and feel beautiful. When your hair is messy but in a beautiful way that you could never do on purpose,  and you only have time to put on a touch of mascara and your freckles don’t look so childish and annoying for some reason today. Those days full of inappropriate warm weather and sweet breezes. It was one of those days where you don’t realize at first there seems to be magic in the sunlight but after, everything was meant to be beautiful today. It was one of those days that beautiful moments are compelled to happen; moments that your brain will play back in slow motion every time you hear a crooning acoustic song with complimentary piano with just a hint of strings to really get you. 

I was waiting for the bus on the other side of the street. I had actually gotten semi ready for the day and not just rolled out of bed and threw on yoga pants and a flannel per usual. I was wearing a skirt and Birkenstocks because the sun was shining and it made me blissful. My messy long brown hair was lightly waving in the fall breeze and the sun was rolling out its last bits of golden morning light. I was listening to music in my headphones, something soft and appropriate for a sunny fall morning.  The feeling was incandescent and contented. I was cozy with the anticipation of the bus ride and the walk home passed the elementary school with the tree-lined path.

Then the magic of the day was brimming and had to dispense itself, and I saw him coming off the bus on the other side of the street. I saw him and for a moment I didn’t recognize him. Usually I can’t recount my exact thoughts at exact moments in time, but for those small magically haunting times I can.  The thoughts came to me as if I was speaking to my best friend. “Whoa, who is that guy? He’s tall and handsome, it’s not everyday you see someone like that on this campus.“ The ensuing moment I realized it was him. It was you. 

I intently observed him because with all of his evident college guy normalities, he had a blatant unicorn-esque quality about him that made it humanly insufferable to look away. 

You know when you’re across the room from someone and you feel the unexplainable phenomenon of someone looking at you so you turn to look at them? Well, he must have felt that phenomenon from across the street. I don’t know if phenomenons have a maximum distance capacity but luckily this one was within the allotted boundaries of phenomenons. Not even a flock of wild flamingos bounding down the street could have tore my gaze from the unicorn man at this slow motion moment. After thoroughly securing that I had no hitches about flagrantly seeming interested, the phenomenon materialized as he turned to me and our eyes matched from across the street. 

Our gaze held despite each step away he took. I’m confident an outsider would think this particular occurrence mildly awkward, but the more we saw of each other the more it seemed the synchronized interest flourished. “Who are you? What made you the way you are? What are the hidden bits of you? Have we met before? When, where? Could you mean something real to me? You look like my type, and that’s exciting. Are you kind? Are you interested in me? Why are we still looking at each other? Do you think I am a creep? Is this weird? Will I ever meet you? Where or how? What is your daily routine? Where are you going? Who are you?” I didn’t shy away from the gaze, and neither did he, because it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was absolutely necessary; not even necessary, it was obligatory.  And after the thousands of unanswered questions passed through my mind, the time came where he had to either stop walking or turn the corner.

And he turned. 

And then he was gone. 

And in that moment I felt myself change. 

 And I think maybe I felt awake, for the first time in a long time. 

That’s the beautiful and terrifying thing about magic, it is wholly out of your control, and indisputably fated.

Gratitude

Today we had a lesson about gratitude. From a lady who just lost her 12 year old nephew. LAST WEEK.

Her sister, (his mother) was also in attendance and bore her testimony of how she definitely wished this would never have happened, but how she was grateful for the strength and love this experience has brought to her family. She spoke weepy but faithful. I could literally FEEL the Lords presence holding her up as she sat in her chair, supporting her. I could feel His love for her and her family as she spoke.  You could feel that her heart was completely and in all its entirety broken, but that she was being comforted before my very eyes, with every grateful, wise, and humble word she spoke.

She wasn't in sweats crying in her bed (which let's be honest, is where I would be for months, I'm positive). She was up, dressed, speaking sadly but strong, and in church testifying of her gratitude to the Lord, literally 6 days after her son had been taken in a tragic accident. Her and her sister stood together and voiced "we are a forever family." The unity and strength was more factual than the laws of gravity, there was no denying that they would be together again. They knew it, testified of it like each mornings imminent sunrise, and in turn seeing them, we all knew it.

How grateful I am of this woman's example of strength. I didn't talk to her, I will probably never see her again or meet her, but her diligence, faith and strength I will never forget. The strength of mothers guys, not an army of thousands could match it, I'm positive.

I can't express my gratitude for the Relief Society and the strength of women. I have never met stronger, more beautiful women than I have encountering the diligent, loving women who know the Lord as their best friend, their support, their father. I guess all I really wanted to say is thank you. Thank you to the women who choose everyday to continue to try to be better. You inspire me. Heroins are not just ladies who do grandiose things, I think the most beautiful heroins are those who simply choose to push against the urge to give up on hard things, and each day continue to try; be it to progress, to continue to love people, and to hold onto hope instead of anger. The grateful in spirit.

Could I suggest that we see gratitude as a disposition, a way of life that stands independent of our current situation? In other words, I’m suggesting that instead of being thankful for things, we focus on being thankful in our circumstances—whatever they may be.

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng

READ IT ^^^  THNXLUVUBYE

The holiness of women.

Wanted to share a little of what I pondered this morning, and something I have been thinking about writing for quite some time.


Mosiah 3
8 And he shall be called Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Father of heaven and earth, the Creator of all things from the beginning; and his mother shall be called Mary.


A simple yet profound realization came to my mind that in this scripture of discussing and informing the people (from King Benjamin's address) of the immeasurable greatness of the son Jesus Christ. What struck me was the only thing mentioned second to him and in this verse was

his human mother.

It's interesting that she was not mentioned again in the chapter, it continues describing the work that the savior would do, the atonement, and his love.

It was a testament and an understanding to my mind that women are holy. Women and mothers who are not perfect, who get emotional and angry and make mistakes, are still holy. People forget that Mary was a human, she probably spent nights crying on her knees, she might have gotten frustrated with the direction of her life when she was young, she probably got irritable when she was hungry, she probably forgot appointments, and snapped at people when she was tired, nonetheless she was mentioned with Jesus, she was trusted by God, and even though she is known for being JUST A MOTHER, she is forever considered the most holy woman in the world.

As a woman, I understand the seemingly unimportant role and value I have in our modern society. I understand that my gender is depicted as a sex symbol, a product, a doormat, and not much else at times. I understand how I could start to believe I fit and should place myself into these societal cubbies. I understand that I may be viewed to be insignificant because I value being gentle, I want a marriage, and I want children. However, I also want progression, I have strength, I have personal ambition, I work to obtain knowledge, and I value respect for people no matter what they believe. And just because I want some of these stereotypical "mormon mom duties" doesn't mean I am ignorant, close minded, or trapped into a state of submission. It doesn't mean that I will be protesting to get into the priesthood session, but I do wish that women had more of an apparent voice and value in decisions of the church. Did you know that no woman had any influence or addition on the proclamation to the family? I was just reading an interview with Chieko N. Okazaki (former first president of the general Relief society presidency) and she said that no one in the relief society presidency had ever been asked or even told it was being written by the first presidency. A staple in almost every LDS family's household describing mother and wifely roles all written by men with no female influence at all. Here's a little bit of the interview-

"In contrast, in 1995 when “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” was written, the Relief Society presidency was asked to come to a meeting. We did, and they read this proclamation. It was all finished. The only question was whether they should present it at the priesthood meeting or at the Relief Society meeting. It didn’t matter to me where it was presented. What I wanted to know was, “How come we weren’t consulted?”
Greg Prince: You didn’t even know it was in the works?
Chieko Okazaki: No. They just asked us which meeting to present it in, and we said, “Whatever President Hinckley decides is fine with us.” He decided to do it at the Relief Society meeting. The apostle who was our liaison said, “Isn’t it wonderful that he made the choice to present it at the Relief Society meeting?” Well, that was fine, but as I read it I thought that we could have made a few changes in it. " 

She goes on to say that even she believes that women need to have more of a say in the church. If you have time, read the attached interview at the bottom of the page, she is an amazing woman who was way beyond her time. 

With this being said though, I personally do not believe that we as women should allow ourselves to be consumed with resentment, and anger for the seemingly shortcomings of the church and its leaders on the issue of equality in the church. I am not ignorant to the fact that women have been overlooked in our church for a long time. And I am pleased that women in our church are causing discussions to be raised, and addressed, and change is becoming apparent and necessary. As much as I know things need to change I know that if we as women let actions, comments, or beliefs of angered people in or out of the church consume us, we will be unable to perceive what we can do to help the issue. Feelings of being wronged or prejudiced shouldn't be shirked, but if dwelled upon they will cripple our ability to provide a productive means of change and recognition for our church. Yes, the church is becoming aware of their weaknesses, and there are many women who may have indeed been affected by this, but to let resentment overtake us blinds our minds with our focus directed inward. These thoughts, though warranted in many cases, cause women to be caught in a circle of anger, instead of genuine concern for helping each other feel valued, address what can be changed, or begin to decipher how this problem can be resolved. Recently to me it seems many people have been overtaken by the focus of their own agenda, and if those agendas aren't met, than there is nothing positive to say regarding the church. It is important to remember that no matter the social weaknesses and the problems needed to be resolved, this is still God's church. And when something offends you or occurs that you might disagree with, it would be more wise perhaps to spend more time approaching him in humility to explain what you can't seem to understand, and how to resolve your feelings whether it be through action or humility, and less time dwelling in your own mind of resentment, working yourself into anger and debating the issue of who's right and wrong in the matter. Replacing the mindset of anger with, "what has Heavenly Father planned for me individually to learn from and benefit this church, what can I do to help the church understand my feelings and help me feel like I have a place here, and am I trying to align my will to His with faith in His timing and plans?"

Anyways, these are the things I believe. I believe it is respectable for each individual to find their own personal truth for themselves. This is my personal space on the web, so I am expressing things that are important to me. If there are different beliefs reading this, I mean no disrespect and am not looking for a debate or to start contention, I am only adding my beliefs into the issue to possibly help the situation. I respect the desire to make spirituality important to people's lives and to find truth. This is only a sample of my own.

In this debate one thing is ever present. That women ARE valuable beyond measure. Don't let yourself give way to accepting that you are not holy from things you are told from people with less of an understanding than you. Your worth is not dependent on other people's decisions about you. You cannot do anything to diminish your worth in the sight of God, you can only live below it if you choose. Always remember that you are His most important work, and His love for you is unconditional. He loves you, and you are holy beyond what you may see at the present, even if what you see at present consists of muffin tops and hairy legs most days. You're still holy no matter your perceived imperfections. The most holy woman on the earth was "just a mother" and was once an unknown girl like you, trying to navigate this life as best she could. So take heart when you feel forgotten or unimportant. You aren't forgotten and your seemingly small presence on this earth is holy.


Here's the full interview with Sister Okazaki:
https://www.dialoguejournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sbi/articles/Dialogue_V45N01_CO.pdf

25 or Better

Do you ever have a quiet feeling that you could be doing.. more?

That you could be helping others more

You could be developing yourself as a strong woman with concrete faith?

That maybe you could have developed your talents more instead of scanning instagram in your free time?

Or simply that in some ways you aren't living your life in a way that makes you better than you were yesterday?

I have been feeling like this lately. And let me tell you, the quiet disappointment at the end of the day spent on Netflix in my sweats is giving me a feeling that I'm wasting important time. To the point where I have decided that it is time that I win, over my lazy mind. Sometimes it seems that I am disappointed in the decisions I make with my time but then I think, okay well guess what lady, you can change the things you don't like. It is not that simple when the new episode of Downton is finally available online, which let's be real here, I will probably never turn down a new Downton episode, but I guess I needed to write this down so that I can hear myself say that the way I spend my time needs to be changed, and that I am going to begin winning and not being subject to my slothful mind. Because I am here to progress, and it is my #1 priority over my sweats (as much as I love them so so much)

I made some resolutions, even New Years ones dare I say. But the beautiful thing about having my birthday 7 days after the new year is that I can decide that this new year of my life, literally, is going to be different.

I'm too blessed, & I have been brought through too much to waste my time here.

So here's to working on some of these:

1. Begin daily scripture study with a thoughtful prayer.
2. Getting out of bed on time to HAVE meaningful scripture study.. let's be honest.
3. EAT  BREAKFAST !!
4. Write in my journal, recording tender mercies and daily revelation.
5. Have quality time with my Father in Heaven in the temple regularly.
6. Exercise specifically 2 times a week, but be active daily.
7. Keep school work organized in my planner
8. Pray specifically to gain/show a greater love for the people around me.

Just some little things I want to work on, to progress & work towards the person I know I am supposed to be. My favorite quote comes to mind -

"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." - Nelson Mandela

The beauty is that every day is a new opportunity to change, as cliche as that sounds. And I have found that change begins with doing the right thing just one time. However, the hardest time to change is right at the start when you are just beginning and wanting to change. But if you can just do one thing right, one time, and make each choice independent of everything else and focus on choosing the best option for you in the moment, you are already winning half the battle and beginning on a better path.

So here's to being 25 and actively working to become a better person with each daily decision.

Small side note:
25?! can you believe it? Here I come 25 or better activities, what up! For as much as I talk about being the old hag of Logan, UT, I am actually really excited to be 25. I feel like.. I am becoming a woman! Like, A REAL WOMAN, guys. With experience and wisdom and.. genuine sex appeal! Yeah I said it! Like an adult sexy woman who is not so much embarrassed or apologetic but confident and content with her self, flaws included. Not a little girl playing dress up like a woman, or a teen age girl who doesn't like herself or think she's beautiful without makeup and perfect hair, or a young adult trying to navigate the ever changing surroundings of college life, her beliefs and standards (which I kinda still feel like that but also moving onto more stable grounds an individual), but I actually feel like I am on the verge of becoming someone who knows and loves who they are in a real way, without a Victoria's Secret body or a perfect resume of all the 'RIGHT' things someone is supposed to have accomplished. Someone who loves herself and knows she has great worth and is beautiful with her little muffin top, and graying hairs. I think 25 is going to be good to me, I have never felt more like me, more incredibly blessed and happy, and I am excited for what this years changes of graduation and what life has to bring!


Life Soundtrack as of late -

Walter Mitty Soundtrack is pure gold.
Jose Gonzalez – Step Out
Of Monsters And Men – Dirty Paws
Jose Gonzalez – Stay Alive

Also I have been loving the soundtrack from the movie Like Crazy. If you haven't seen it, it is a must! but be warned, I cry EVERY TIME. It is so tragically real, but is so incredibly beautiful. Below is the motion picture score.
Dustin O'Halloran – Arrivals N2

Hogle Zoo

This weekend I got to hang out with my two favorites at the Zoo. Here's what it felt like.

If the way I am with Meg is any indication of how I will act towards my own children, I'm pretty sure they will want a restraining order. I honestly can't help but hug her every .5 seconds! It's a problem. 

One of my favorite things about hanging out with Meg is to see Charlie interact with her. I lose it when I see him instantly soften and play and talk to her like they are besties. My heart is so full it hurts sometimes when I get these little moments with them. 

Gonna 'get' the peacock 

Hope a great weekend was had by all. Here's to going back to the grind with new memories to daydream about.