Cultivating meaning from the hardest year of my life:  2014 

January + February  

-smooth sailing (thanks for the 2 months 2014, you're a peach) 

March 

-a hefty breakup

-severe knee injury & crutches (never swore so much in my life)

Cue -24 hr pain.

weight gain.

anger.

loss of ability to stand/walk on my own.

loss of desire for social life(lots of standing).

depression.

April 

-Continuing immobility & pretty much bed ridden icing/warming/elevating, physical therapy. 

social interaction limited to the struggle of trying to get to class in icy winter on crutches. 

-Inability to Work (requires strenuous lifting and walking) money becomes dominant stressor.  

Cue - social reclusiveness.

shame of not being able to provide financially for myself at 25.

loss of any kind of bodily movement/exercise in turn elevating levels of depression.

financial stress of expensive medical bills when unable to work. 

May

-internship/travel plans ruled out due to medical expenses and inability to walk. 

-move to salt lake, surrounded by friends who care (+). 

-land internship, boost of confidence. (+)

-plant garden aka dirt therapy. (+) 

-adjusting to summer temps with garments. Settle for the soccer mom look, decrease in confidence, decrease in spirituality. 

Cue - slight religious bitterness

slow loss of spirit. 

knee healing though, things are looking up for most part. 

June

-tinder is never a good idea.

-gym membership bc, knee injury and eating feelings all spring gave me a swimsuit phobia. 

-internship was from home, loss of social interaction, boredom.

Cue - hefty body issues/depression.

mad men marathons.

dating shame bc trying to date assholes off tinder/inadequacy feelings.

more loss of confidence.

broadening horizons of independent movies on netflix. 

July 

-Boston. garment bitterness spike bc heat/humidity, crisis of faith in full swing.  

-Wearing garments seems hypocritical since I hate them so much and have forgotten why I even do them anyways. Prayers stop, communication stops, distance grows. 

-Continually struggling to recover financially bc revoked financial aid (super seniors don't get financial aid cue shame) 

Cue - Financial stress.

complete loss of spirit.

identity shaken.

eternal perspective cloudy.

sense of value of self low.

Depression at all time high. 

August

- Dad admitted into hospital. Dr's tell me he's slowly dying. 

- Fly to Louisianna to say goodbye to dad. Between 3 daily hospital visits try to figure out tuition payment options, along with university death of a parent policy on absences. Drop all classes but one due to absences and limited funds.  

- Live out of hotel, eat greasy food, cry, pray, regret.

- Crisis of faith causes shame of praying for help w/ father's illness. drowning. 

- All Dr's advise us to let father go, except one. Family is disagreeing, sad, & angry. 

- Father's life/death is on me & sisters shoulders. We choose to give him more time with little to no signs of hope. family is torn, cue more shame/prolonged anxiety of the unknown. 

- Job & Internship ends early due to absences/being distracted/depressed. Cue more shame. 

- Financial burdens to family from living in a hotel and flights and tuition at an all time high.

- Only light is the circle of friends & family praying and sending love. (+)

Cue - Zombie. 

numb. 

tears. 

anxiety. 

shame. 

regret. 

depression. 

September 

- Return home & back to school. Each day away is a contradiction of his progress the day before. each minute worrying that he has suddenly died. Each day is an overwhelming roller coaster of emotions. 

- Behind in class. No way to catch up. Professor looks at me like a lazy POS. Graduation slipping through my fingers. anxiety/shame.

- Depression causes lack of interest in even most beloved activities. all I want is to be distracted by Netflix by myself in my bed.

- Putting effort into anything proves utterly exhausting. Tired/sad becomes the new normal. 

- Feel shame for not being strong enough to handle this better.

Cue - Smothering every thought/emotion to get through the day. 

October 

- Dad makes medically unexplainable turn around. Dr's say he will still be immobile, on oxygen rest of life. Feel shame of maybe making the wrong choice for him to have a good quality of life. 

- Smothering my every emotion proves an unhealthy coping mechanism, but at least I'm not feeling anymore. 

- Crisis of faith continues. Confused about long held ideas and sense of security. Identity, sense of self worth shaken. Everything I once wholeheartedly believed in doesn't really make sense anymore. 

Cue - isolation/loneliness. 

fear. 

mistakes one makes when they are trying to find themselves/something to make them feel again.
shame for making said dumb mistakes. 

smother of said shame.

confusion of morality, truth, and self worth on the most basic internal level. 

November 

- Dad is coherent, sort of. While on heavy medication says/does all the right things to awaken & arise my deepest insecurities with him. Shame is at all time high but he is slowly recuperating nonetheless.

- Smothering has taken over any & all emotion besides shame. Trying to remember how to feel happy/normal. 

Cue - Shame.

smothering.

reclusiveness.

zombie-like emotions. 

December

- Dad leaves hospital with no supplemental oxygen required. Doesn't remember anything said or done from the last 4 months. Family rejoices, but for reasons unknown I still feel depressed. 

-Feel shame for giving his words and actions while on medication so much power over me when he doesn't even remember saying/doing them. 

- Reach back out the Lord from the first time in months by simply reading a talk. Remember my relationship with the Lord. Remember the times he has rescued me before. Remember the Love he has shown me before. Remembered our sacred bond. Remember that He is there. Remember who He is to me. 

- Start to pray slowly. feel dumb. meet with bishop, tells me to continue to make effort. Prayers get easier & more comfortable each time. 

- Meet with therapist. Smothering is no longer an option. Cry hard. Feel all the smothered emotions I have forced down for months. Realizing & allowing feeling of how sad I actually am is the hardest part of trying to turn it around again. 

- Become mindful of shame. Had no idea of how much I hurt myself daily until now. My depression finally has a name and a face. Although I see it now, perfectionism might be the end of me. 

- Still sad, still struggling, but mindful and seeing slow progression of even just the recognition of what needs to be done to work through it someday. 

So, this was my year in all of it's disappointing and seemingly pessimistic truth. This was my shitty, terrible year of trials and depression and sadness and zombie living.  

Of all these trials and things I've gone through this year the worst thing of all is the realization that I never once really stopped and asked the Lord to support me. I didn't realize I could confide in Him, I didn't think He could/would really help me.  Maybe if I would have simply got on my knees and asked for his support and comfort these things might have been even the littlest amount less crippling to me. Maybe I would have learned more things from them, and grown to appreciate them instead of them putting me into the most severe case of depression I have ever experienced. Maybe if I would have asked I would have found additional strength through Him and not just been beaten down over and over by them until I had to reject all desire to feel any emotion entirely. Maybe I wouldn't have such a problem with my self worth and shame now, if I would have reached out and asked for love and support when I needed it, instead of trying to do it all on my own and failing. 

Only until the end of twelve months of hell, literally on New Years Eve, did I realize that I tried to go this entire year on my own. I ended up so disconnected and in sadness and confusion that I couldn't think to reach out or hear the one person who was calling out to me, to help take all this grinding weight off my shoulders. I literally forgot His love for me, I forgot who He is, and forgot our bond until I read that talk and it all came back to me. It was terrifying to me that I utterly forgot his character and our sacred bond that we have shared in the past.

It's New Years Day today, and woke up feeling like death, like I have been completely and repeatedly  flattened with trying to carry a years worth of weight on my own. And all I want to do is cry and tell him I'm so tired and sad and have him hold me until I stop feeling like death. And that's exactly what I am going to do.

Because I realized after a year of being beaten down, and on the first day of 2015, that I literally cannot do this anymore without Him. 

That being said I'm hopeful that this year will be different. This year I will ask him to help take my burdens, I will try to turn to him before anyone or anything else, and I will try to ask him to pick me up off the ground when I have no strength left. I will try to ask him to help me show compassion to myself with all my shortcomings and show myself love by the way He shows me love & by his example. It took me an entire year to learn but I want to try and return to him every night, so that I can remember Him, and never again drift far enough away and forget who my literal Savior is. 

This is an answer to one of my biggest question this year, about the importance of doing the "Sunday school answers". Honestly I didn't really do them a lot because I thought they were redundant and stupid things mormons over say and just were there to control me and make me feel guilt when I fell short. I now understand that the Sunday school answers of reading scriptures, praying, going to church and temple, are there to bring light and happiness into your life and keep you connected to God. I've heard that a million times before but it has never meant anything to me until I genuinely  lost myself and Him. I don't know how he found me, but his 99th lost sheep has been returned to her Shepards arms somehow. 2015 is my resolution to stay closer to Him, and remember Him in trials and in happiness, so I will not have to fearfully navigate alone in this life anymore. 

2015:

January  

- starting over. broken down, beaten to a bloody pulp, sufficiently broken hearted and contrite spirited, but hopeful for the first time in nearly 365 days. 

Cue: hard work, progression, regaining my best friend.  

Excerpt from some exploratory creative writing: enjoy. 

After multiple break ups and reunions, my ever contented, sentimental heart couldn’t tame his thirst for adrenaline and he moved on. I hated myself for not being able to keep up, it was my first real breakup, and it was a doozy. You remember your first breakup don’t you?  The breakup that made you realize all the things you shouldn’t do when you’re heartbroken, only after doing all of them. I listened to sad songs, stalked his facebook profile multiple times a day, looked through all our pictures on my computer, and romanticized all the times he had been inconsiderate. Yeah this breakup was bad, bad like your roommate finds you on the bathroom floor choking on a salty mixture of tears and snot you have been laying in for the last 3 hours kind of breakup.

Looking back now, obviously he wasn’t for me; however he was kind, and the first person to teach me that I was funny, and capable of being in a partnership. We’re still friends to this day and I’m grateful he is happy. It’s amusing that we shared our own universe together for a time and when I look back, that seems like so long ago now, but it was ours and it was unforgettable. 

Sometimes I think about him still, and what we would be like if the universe we shared was still going on today. As nostalgic as this tryst is to envision, woefully I arrived at the insight that our universe would have inevitably burnt out. The sun that was the excitement of us together would have scorched and jostled the natural orbit off balance. I think our world would have turned into a compilation of stunning memories tragically wandering in the dark, pitifully trying to find a small light to return to visibility by its once most adored creators. Every smidgen of the matter that I am is appreciative that the universe we once shared will never be burnt out and darkened with the stale death that is monotony. Our planets will be endlessly static in their beauty, in an everlasting state of excitement, youth and exhilaration. Never would I desire to know the light of the cosmos we shared to have been ruined by the cast shadow of the desperation of alleviating dullness.

This being said, I think this was how I knew it wasn’t real. The thought of reality, endurance, and depth would have ruined our story; and these are some of my most beloved qualities of substantial and enjoyable monogamy. He was never meant to be my forever, because it wouldn’t have been him if he had settled down with me in the way I wanted to be settled with someone.

I am and forever will be thankful to have shared our small universe together for that time, but how gratifying it is to have a distinctive and perpetually fulfilling universe to share with love at second sight. Because, his universe is where I fit forever.  In the excitement of adventure as well as in the hazy quiet moments laying on a blanket together on a golden afternoon. Our shared universe is established in his gaze, where I find my every vulnerability safe in the flecks of color in his eyes.

That universe is a universe I trust. That universe is tangible. The only place where every fragment of me knows it will continue in orbit forever.

Excerpt from some exploratory creative writing: enjoy. 

The following is documentation of love at second sight. Maybe it was one sided, maybe it wasn't, that isn't what's important about it. It happened,  to a realist like myself even, which in and of itself deserves documentation.

It was fall and I saw him. Not for the first time, but for the second or maybe third. 

The first time was passing each other on the staircase of my house while he was returning to his then girlfriend’s place and I was exiting down to my then boyfriends place. I remember that glance even though it was years ago and only for a few seconds. My thoughts were “Dang, where does she even find these guys?!”  Then gave no more thought to it.  

But you know those seemingly inconsequential moments in time that your mind will absolutely never let you forget? Days that seem like any other day but also seem to have a little magic to them after reflection of the things that occurred. They are those days you wake up and feel beautiful. When your hair is messy but in a beautiful way that you could never do on purpose,  and you only have time to put on a touch of mascara and your freckles don’t look so childish and annoying for some reason today. Those days full of inappropriate warm weather and sweet breezes. It was one of those days where you don’t realize at first there seems to be magic in the sunlight but after, everything was meant to be beautiful today. It was one of those days that beautiful moments are compelled to happen; moments that your brain will play back in slow motion every time you hear a crooning acoustic song with complimentary piano with just a hint of strings to really get you. 

I was waiting for the bus on the other side of the street. I had actually gotten semi ready for the day and not just rolled out of bed and threw on yoga pants and a flannel per usual. I was wearing a skirt and Birkenstocks because the sun was shining and it made me blissful. My messy long brown hair was lightly waving in the fall breeze and the sun was rolling out its last bits of golden morning light. I was listening to music in my headphones, something soft and appropriate for a sunny fall morning.  The feeling was incandescent and contented. I was cozy with the anticipation of the bus ride and the walk home passed the elementary school with the tree-lined path.

Then the magic of the day was brimming and had to dispense itself, and I saw him coming off the bus on the other side of the street. I saw him and for a moment I didn’t recognize him. Usually I can’t recount my exact thoughts at exact moments in time, but for those small magically haunting times I can.  The thoughts came to me as if I was speaking to my best friend. “Whoa, who is that guy? He’s tall and handsome, it’s not everyday you see someone like that on this campus.“ The ensuing moment I realized it was him. It was you. 

I intently observed him because with all of his evident college guy normalities, he had a blatant unicorn-esque quality about him that made it humanly insufferable to look away. 

You know when you’re across the room from someone and you feel the unexplainable phenomenon of someone looking at you so you turn to look at them? Well, he must have felt that phenomenon from across the street. I don’t know if phenomenons have a maximum distance capacity but luckily this one was within the allotted boundaries of phenomenons. Not even a flock of wild flamingos bounding down the street could have tore my gaze from the unicorn man at this slow motion moment. After thoroughly securing that I had no hitches about flagrantly seeming interested, the phenomenon materialized as he turned to me and our eyes matched from across the street. 

Our gaze held despite each step away he took. I’m confident an outsider would think this particular occurrence mildly awkward, but the more we saw of each other the more it seemed the synchronized interest flourished. “Who are you? What made you the way you are? What are the hidden bits of you? Have we met before? When, where? Could you mean something real to me? You look like my type, and that’s exciting. Are you kind? Are you interested in me? Why are we still looking at each other? Do you think I am a creep? Is this weird? Will I ever meet you? Where or how? What is your daily routine? Where are you going? Who are you?” I didn’t shy away from the gaze, and neither did he, because it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was absolutely necessary; not even necessary, it was obligatory.  And after the thousands of unanswered questions passed through my mind, the time came where he had to either stop walking or turn the corner.

And he turned. 

And then he was gone. 

And in that moment I felt myself change. 

 And I think maybe I felt awake, for the first time in a long time. 

That’s the beautiful and terrifying thing about magic, it is wholly out of your control, and indisputably fated.