summer 2015

lots of people are asking me what is going on with my life.

to be perfectly honest i have no idea. and trying to formulate a respectable answer instead of saying

I'm single, unemployed, and homeless is proving to be rather tiring.

so for the record,

I'm single

unemployed

& homeless.

I don't know what is to come.

i . dont. freaking . know. since, about graduation in May.

but yesterday I finally got a job!

most of the summer i have just been doing my best to get out of my onesie panda jamas before 2  everyday and wanted to yell, at least I'm out of my panda onesie stop asking me questions!! at anyone who was lovingly interested in my life. but now its finally happened, i got a job!!

& everyone silently judging me about the panda onesie comment, I see you.

To celebrate my finalization of plans after a long 4 months of hustling, I made a video of my summer and job search. I have never been pulled in more directions than this summer. I've traveled more this summer than ever, to Las Vegas, Denver, New York, Seattle, Moab, and Philly! But when it comes down to it I prayed that I would end up wherever is best for me and my life's progression. And at times of discouragement and rejection I have been a little pissed about the journey there.. and asked God why he would lead me down so many different roads only to end up at a dead end and get discouraged all over again... but nonetheless.. as much as I was annoyed at the time i felt i was wasting, as much as the rejection of interview after interview didn't work out, I trust God has his hand in my life. I may not like the outcome or have it in my plans to end up where I am ending up, but i trust that i am doing everything I can, and that is reassuring that whatever happens or doesn't happen,  it will not be because I didn't hustle.

So, i'd like to announce that i will be taking a job as a graphic designer at Blender bottle in Lehi. I'm super stoked about the job, the opportunity, and the experience I will gain! I'm happy to have gotten a job for sure, but did I ever think I would end up living in provo??? Nope. wasn't even on my plan B. (or C or D or E. Ever.)  I didn't even want to stay in Utah, but I am grateful for the job itself, the friends I will be surrounded by and the move out of LOGAN! Finally! I am excited to have my own space again and not be crashing on peoples couches, floors, my hammock... I am so excited for the next step in life and to finally get to move forward and progress! So cheers to the surprising series of twists and turns and long flights and awkward interviews and rude taxi drivers that have led me to end up staying in the one place I never thought I would be, back here in good ole Utah. Provo really can't be as bad as everyone makes it out to be right??

(I'm going to try and post more videos of my daily life, a vlog of sorts I guess, bc I don't see my family enough,  we're scattered all over the united states, and I want them to know what I am up to more than the monthly phone call)

I have gotten so many people asking me what I am going to do after I graduate. I know it is out of curiosity, and I enjoy the concern for my life that this question shows. But I know if I answered honestly the response is not that impressive. 

"I am taking time off to do nothing. I am taking the summer to think and meditate and find myself. I am taking time for myself that I have never been allowed to have. I am taking the summer to repair my emotional health. I plan to be a waitress and to plant a garden. I plan to rock climb and to do yoga. I plan to hike and bike and eat vegetables and lay in the sun and read. I am not looking for a job. I am not doing an internship. I have no relationship goals, I am not so much interested in dating or men. I have no plans to further myself career wise or pretty much in any other way than mentally. I plan to ponder, to write, and to detox. My only goals for the summer are to recover and learn about myself and what I need to understand about life to be healthy and happy." 

I guess the point of this post is to help me understand that I need to be compassionate to myself and to who I am and where I am at presently, no matter how inconsequential I may think my life is to the world around me. I'm trying to find the balance of giving myself credit and also pushing myself to be better.

I watched this today and it helped me feel more compassionate about myself. It is a great reminder of taking care of ourselves and battling for our emotional health and self worth. 

It's amazing to me that God knows what I truly want more than I actually do. He knows what will make me happiest, and he knows my heart better than I actually know my own.

I feel like I am constantly fighting him for what I think I want and then he pushes me back and tells me no, and in turn I get confused and rebellious. Then all the sudden it turns out he gives me more. He fills my rebellious heart with more love, more blessings, more understanding, more happiness.

and I'm all,"Wait, what? oh.. umm.. thanks.. "

What kind of person would put up with someone fighting them everyday and being annoying and confused and forgetful only to continually give them greater gifts? I'm tying to understand a character where this make sense, all I can say is that it is not of this world.

I turned 26 yesterday and as hard as my last year has been, (see my last post, I'm not even joking), since I have been making a bigger effort to connect to the Lord and to listen to my spirit, I have never had a deeper appreciation for God, and my relationship to Him, and the almost instant relief of peace and happiness living the gospel brings to my spirit.

My thoughts were filled with questions of why last year was necessary, but now I think the understanding it brought has actually brought me more joy than before. The gospel really does have a way of turing pain into knowledge and then joy.

I feel Him teaching me again and honestly I feel my entire personality change.

I am more positive, less pessimistic.
I am more compassionate of myself and others. (it's still a work in progress)
I am more patient and understanding when things bug me.
My self worth and confidence has slowly returned, which is the craziest thing because for months I used to wake up feeling completely worthless, without knowing how to change it.

and let me tell you this is not just me changing. Weird how things started to turn around as soon as i made an effort to be connect with God huh???  But it definitely isn't me on my own, bc I was my own and only constant companion all last year and I know me by myself, I was blindly miserable for months with no way out in sight.

26 is my year, it is tangibly obvious to me. I feel a complete 180 since I have renewed my dedication to keeping close to the Lord. I feel unstoppable. I feel the Lord cheering me on. I feel Him showing me my worth by different experiences in the passed couple of weeks just like I asked Him to in my prayers. I feel Him bringing back out the best in me. If you knew how hopeless things looked to me just a couple of weeks ago, you would understand that to me this is a beautiful miracle.