The closest one to me is now an hour away. I have been blessed to be able to walk to it these passed weeks.
My heart hurts for this time, I miss having those that I love and know I am loved close to me.
The Sunshine
My job
To Draw Closer to God - By Henry B. Eyring
My previous institute teacher Bro. Irwin.
My lovely roommate Tawny
Otter Pops & Texas rolls.
And most importantly :
The Lord and his tender love that he blesses me daily with.
Giving me the unceasing desire to live above anything I have ever before known to be possible for me and helping me grow & learn how to accomplish that.
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I don't know if that is something that is appealing or challenging enough.
But I know when it's right, it will be the cause of my greatest & most full joy.
Because my family will never wonder if anyone cares
This also causes me to hurt sometimes, but I love nonetheless.
Because I want those who I love to know and feel it and never forget it.
I love deeply, live risky, and soak up happiness wholly.
So in the end I know the ones who meant most to me will not feel so alone.
Because they will always know my love for them is never ending.
I hope those who are reading this know
That you are loved. Dearly.
To me you are truly my brothers and sisters
And I have a greater empathy for your pains now.
And I want you to know that the Lord feels them with you too
Sitting next to you on the floor
As you finally fall to pieces after holding it back for too long
after trying so hard every minute to be strong in faith
but you really don't see how you could be okay again
He's there
Holding you
Crying with you
Knowing your pain
All the while telling you He knows.
And that He is here,
next to you,
crying with you
and he'll stay here & hold you
until you can't cry anymore
and your heart aches surpirsingly without end
and he knows you just want to do whats right
but the pain seems to be beating you mercilessly
and you can't see a way out
and you feel like your spirit is giving up
and you don't even know why any of this had to happen in the first place
and you just can't be strong anymore right now
and you have nothing left to give.
He knows.
Then when your done and out of tissues and exhausted
you see that he is still there, he never left you
and you see that you have to push through this
You have to just keep going
and he will lift you
and you might just get through it,
only if he is with you though
& you know you wont have to do it alone
and you will get up.
If anything He will stand you up, and take your hand
and you will go make yourself something to eat
and feed your fish
and he will tell you that he is here
and promise you that you will be okay.
& for the first time you believe it.
& the light will increase
& your hopelessness will slowly drift away
& you will be delivered into some form of however contentment you could be
from a place you originally never saw a way out of
but you know for today now you will be okay.
tomorrow's a different story
but you will get through today
and that in of itself is a miracle.
He is there. Always. Never ending.
Please never forget this or doubt.
He will guide you when your lost
He will bring you to Him
And you will know He is really your Father.
Sometimes He will send you heavenly angels to tell you that they are all pulling for you up there.
He will give you direction if you attend the temple and listen
He will give you hope when you can't ever see it getting better
He will show you the things you didn't even know you weren't doing to make you better now
He will love you until you cant bear to feel it anymore because it is too strong
He will rescue you.
I promise you He will. in his time, in his way.
All you have to do is ask, having faith that he will come and humbling yourself to just ask.
I used to think that I understood peoples feelings well.
Now I know even better because this has given me a greater compassion for love & to understand hurt.
I tell you here and now.
You will be okay.
In anything and everything
If you just ask.
& have faith that He will.
So this passed week I got yet another blessing :)
I've come to enjoy them..
The craziest thing is that the possibilities are endless right now..
And that I cried happy tears today..
Because I woke up out of the darkness, out of the wondering, out of my own torture.
And I was taught a lot of things even today! I feel like it will just keep coming and coming and I'm so stoked for it! I want more than anything right now for the Lord to continually teach me.
I didn't realize how distant I really was before. The absence of desiring to do service, to fulfill my callings, to take care of my fellowman, a desiring to be better or filling my life with good things & not just getting by.. it's not right & I have no idea how I could have been content with it.
I never want to be that person who just gets by. Because the people around me deserve better and I need to be the Lords hands here, and I will always regret not being better for them in the past. But all I can do now is move forward and push through the madness of life with a new found eternal perspective.
But I have a better understanding of not just banking on having righteous desires, but putting them into actions. Lots & lots of actions!
And the weird thing is that I REALLY want to do them! And their like.. almost easy to do for me now..because I want to do them. Not for me, but for the benefit of having the Lord in peoples lives.
The Lord rescued me.
From a lot of crazy things, things I probably couldn't imagine. & I know he will do the same for you. The least I can do is everything I can for Him And I'm glad to do it!
I have a lot to do! And I'm so excited to learn & apply it to my life.
I'm really becoming the person I've always wanted to be and never thought I could.
In the Lord all things are possible.
Once upon a time I got a blessing that told me understanding will come.. remember?
and it did.
hit me like a swooping bird on a worm about 2 days ago.
didn't even see her coming, then went to the temple and bam!
peace.
and now I feel sortof like a complete idiot.
I'm pretty sure there is a limit to how many times you can do and say all the wrong things,
and feel really dumb after the fact,
even if it is unknowingly,
and want to apologize,
and I'm also pretty sure I passed that time a long time ago.
I trust the Lord and am fully focused on Him teaching me even more now, not that I wasn't before..
I just understand His plan for me more, with whatever happens, cuz I know he will look after me & what's best for me, if that makes any sense. Probs not.
The hurt, sadness, anger, confusion, etc, has faded. I shouldn't have been any of those in the first place I know now, but I guess I needed to work through it all in my time. The Lord has seen me through, and given me what I needed, when I needed it.
With clarity comes a semi sheepish feeling
But.. all things will work out for my good that's for sure!
Here's a scripture quote with an inspiring picture in the background.
Cheers!
This is my new favorite. I want to do this, but over a place significant to me in my life and shoot it every ten years with me & the people significant to my life at the time. For now I just enjoy the blog.
Also over this passed year I have been introduced to many great photographers through blog stalking and probably my favorite is Matt Clayton's photography. I love his style.
Clean, & not too messed with but still soft, beautiful, and classic. I wanted to share with you all this picture that made my heart melt today.
So precious! Please bless I have adorable children one day.
as if I could have anything less.. I mean really :)
I have been working a lot with film lately and it is giving me so much happiness.
The anticipation to finish my roll and see how they turn out is killing me!
But something happened called, the strap on my camera broke and made my Holga drop onto cement and open, so pretty sure the film may be ruined with the light... ree
But stay tuned, I will def post some if they turn out!
To achieve our eternal destiny, we will desire and work for the qualities required to become an eternal being.
I love that when I listen to it, it didn't make me feel like,
"Heck, I need to get on doing all these things!",
it makes me feel like,
"yeah I'm doing good on that and this, but I can still do better at this and this."
it's a good feeling to know you're progressing.
Sometimes it takes losing things you dearly love to understand & motivate your desires into actions. But I will tell you this, i'd lose it all again and even more to be able to obtain the knowledge that I have been able to learn from this experience.
I love this section of it most -
"When we have a vision of what we can become, our desire and our power to act increase enormously."
Amen to that!
Most of us will never face such an extreme crisis (talking about the 127 hours dude) , but all of us face potential traps that will prevent progress toward our eternal destiny. If our righteous desires are sufficiently intense, they will motivate us to cut and carve ourselves free from addictions and other sinful pressures and priorities that prevent our eternal progress.
We should remember that righteous desires cannot be superficial, impulsive, or temporary. They must be heartfelt, unwavering, and permanent. So motivated, we will seek for that condition described by the Prophet Joseph Smith, where we have “overcome the evils of [our lives] and lost every desire for sin.”5That is a very personal decision. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell said:
“When people are described as ‘having lost their desire for sin,’ it is they, and they only, who deliberately decided to lose those wrong desires by being willing to ‘give away all [their] sins’ in order to know God.
Let us remember that desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions.
So great right?! This is exactly the things I feel like I've been going through.
I feel like I'm going through the refiners fire and now my righteous desires have become righteous actions in trying to do all that I can to draw closer to Him. They are no longer feeble and weak desires not to have sin in my life but unwavering desires to do what I know to be right in all times! It's all because of the Lord & the strength he has given me after this hard time. I am so freaking blessed it's insane. and the best part is I know because of this time
& the things I've learned from it, my strength in having righteous desires be rigtheaous actions will only get better and stronger from here.
If I could be so bold as to tell you one thing, it is to lose all your unrighteous desire not just for sin, but for slothfulness or content in floating through life & the gospel. Give away the lethargic ways & try to come to really know God, it's amazing what a difference trying your best to grow in the right direction makes in day to day life.
Do the little things!!!
Go to bed early enough to read your scripts like you know you should and say your prayers. It has tremendously changed my life in just a short time & I promise will change your life to just do the little things and have strong righteous desires to come to know Him and forsake anything else that may get in the way of that.
Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me this eternal motivation to not only have eternal righteous desires but to now have unwavering righteous actions, and righteous actions that has turned into a life on the path of righteousness until the end.
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DON'T YOU LOVE THE WAY THIS IS SHOT?
& HER VOICE?
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JUST HAS A GREAT FEELING TO IT ALL.
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ONE QUICK ONE...
TUNE YARDS - BIZNESS.
NOT REALLY A FAN OF THE WHOLE ALBUM, BUT I LISTENED TO THIS SONG ABOUT 17 TIMES TODAY. THIE VIDEO IS A COOL CONCEPT BUT HONESTLY SHE FREAKS MY OUT A LITTLE, SO I DIDN'T POST IT. HATE ME FOR IT.
So I know my little blog has been a bit on the solemn side lately, but it ends ... right.. now!
Ahhh. so much better.
So.. what's next in the Lovely Life??
If you have any idea.. let me know k?
For now the skies the limit. Endless possibilities of where the lord wants me next, all I know is that I will be most likely moving here sometime in the next year. Logan has been great to me, some of my happiest times, but it seems more and more evident that it's time to move on. Most importantly I need to fast track to my degree. Throughout this time of change, that is my biggest goal.
In one of my blessings I have received these passed weeks, the latest said that "many doors will be opened unto you." So, this summer I am praying and searching out what he wants for me next.
But I'm excited for what the future holds for me because of this somewhat recently developed lesson:
Even if I do stay in Logan for awhile, I feel like a new person. I realized that Heavenly Father's love is always right here with me and that is something I have never really felt in this way. Basing my life on the path of righteousness wherever it may take me gives me an extreme amount of comfort in any & all situations. I'm living with great girls in the fall and feel like I'm in a new place in myself & in life. I feel like no matter what happens now, no matter the trials that get put in front of me, I will forever be moving forward in the right direction. It will only be better from here because me & the Lord will take it on together.
I am not alone anymore. I am not helpless and nervous. I am not shaky or unsure, becasue he makes me strong and confident. I know its not just me to fend for myself in this big world & hope for the best anymore. I'm excited for the future, and I know everything will be more than okay now, come what may. Cuz I am not alone anymore, and never will be again.
For this summer though these are some of my goals:
I want to serve someone everyday.
I want to continue to draw closer to Him & all that it entails.
I want to find my own family names to do in the temple.
I want to ride my bike every chance possible. Phineas is a great therapist, who knew?
I want to master my Holga & the little tricks to film.
I want to save a lot this summer. (Study abroad next spring in France? It's the front runnner of ideas for sure)
I want to learn something new everyday.
I want to consume my body weight in snow cones.
I want to climb more in the canyon & get back to where I was.
I want to take care of my garden and reap the fruits of my labor. (Pun intended!)
I want to draw outside & learn new techniques. pastels please!
I want to learn how to play my guitar better. ( I actually played for my friends once already this summer! it was terrifying.)
I want to finish the Book of Mormon by the end of the summer. I'm already almost halfway!
But for now I will leave you with this to chew on.
" I'm often too much of a logical thinker. I think too much math in school has done this to me.. but if I had the chance to make one comment on your current situation it would be that 'a potter only works with soft clay'. If our hearts are not soft he will work with us until they are. So keep your heart soft Chels, and don't become bitter or hardened by your experiences toward anyone or anything." - Smivan this lucky girl's hubby.
Thank you Heavenly Father for sending me such good examples to help ease this burden one day at a time.
I am the girl who doesn't make plans anymore, only trusts.
I am the girl who loves shopping, but has my eyes on bigger things.
I'm the girl who grocery shops slowly still, but by myself now.
(It took me about 20 min and 2 prayers to make myself get out of the car and about 3 spurts of legit rolling tears behind my sunglasses.. but the Lord reminded me that I am not really alone, that he will never leave me, and when a mom put her little ones in their car seats next to me, he reminded me of what I most want, and that this was a step I needed to do. I said "okay, lets go. we can do this," & We did it. It wasn't easy passing all the things he loves and the things we said "hey soon we will only have to buy one of these.." but I did it none the less, and I'm one step closer now to being okay again.)
I am that girl who has pain behind her smile, but smiles nonetheless in hopes of one day it turning into wisdom.
I'm that girl who is distracted in every situation, who's mind is constantly somewhere else it seems.
I'm the girl who mourns with those who mourn, and cries with those who cry, because I know the place all too well.
I am the girl who knows this could be right, but the choice is in anothers hands.
I'm the girl who no longer demands perfection.
I'm the girl who knows what I need to do & where I am headed.
I'm the girl who sees the things that weren't important to fuss over and regrets not being able to make it right.
I am the girl who tries to see past simple mistakes now.
I'm the girl who's heart breaks when she sees families together. Little children are precious to me, and darling families are the source of my greatest envy, because it is my greatest desire. And I have made promises to the Lord to never let anything get in the way of that.
I'm the girl who's standards aren't going to change just because my circumstances have. I am still preparing to enter the temple for reals and dress accordingly.
I'm the girl who looks at the positive and is grateful for trials, but still has hard times too.
I am the girl who knows how to react to trials in life now.
I am that girl who has an unwaivering love with Him now.
I'm the girl He is developing into the woman he knows I am.
I'm the girl who is disconnected from the world and doesn't mind one bit.
I'm the girl who's goals are known, worked for, and believed in now.
I am the girl who appreciates beauty in thesimple things.
I'm the girl who ponders life too much probably.
I am the girl who leans on the Lords guidance but also knows when to act & make decisions.
I'm the girl who's greatest desire now is to be a woman He knows he can trust through any trial or difficulty, & for him to know I will trust him and never lose faith.
I am the girl who has developed faith. Faith like a redwood whose roots run strong. That no storm, person, problem can break. I WILL NEVER LOSE THIS FAITH. NOTHING AND NO ONE CAN TAKE IT FROM ME. and that is something I will never regret about this time.
I'm the girl who may come to rough roads but will always press forward in the right direction.
I'm the girl who has found the way to true happiness through a choking wave of sadness.
I'm the girl who deserves to be fought for, to not be given up on and shut off to, to be uplifted by the people that love me, not abandoned when found imperfect.
his blog did give me a fair warning about 6 months ago, wish I would've listened to that post more now..
I am the girl who is left with the hope that one day the choices of the person I love will bring more happiness then pain.
I am the girl who knows my divine worth now.
I am the girl who knows the greatest desires of my heart, and knows now how to align my actions to get there, and knows without a doubt I will.
And I am the girl who has been shown myself there, with the person who cannot fathom it being any other way. The choice to act by fear, to give up, to leave & shun me & walk away from everything when discovering imperfections, will not be an option to them in the end, whoever it may be.
I'm the girl who loves though, who loves deeply and fully, with her whole heart, and that is something nothing or no one can beat out of me.
Until then,
I am the girl who knows she has been given a new heart then she had just 3 weeks ago
I am the girl that has a surety & a strength that I have never had before
I am the girl who knows she will be okay & she will find happiness again.
I am the girl who has faith that either way that Heavenly Father will make things work out.
I am the girl who is eternally grateful for this time to have learned necessary lessons for the happiness of me & my future family.
I am the girl who has been greatly blessed by the Lord now & forever to have this gospel to make this growth possible.
I am the girl who is moving forward, with a new heart, a greater understanding, and an unwaivering faith in myself and my future through serving the Lord. I know I will receive the same blessings, just at another time & with another someone.
For now, I am just grateful to be continually learning.
